My 20th Trimester
(originally ranted in 2004)

I remember when my belly just started to grow when I got pregnant. Admittedly, it grew quickly- more because of my incessant eating than my son. But the more it grew, the more I felt like I was doing something really important- that I was part of the cosmic continuation of God's plan.

Then, one day, I tried to give myself my weekly pedicure and I couldn't reach my feet. Then, it was just funny.

Then, one night, I tried to roll over in bed to get comfortable, and I couldn't do so without a Herculean effort. Then, it was down-right hilarious.

It took about five hours to give birth to my son and drop about 20 pounds. Unfortunately, it took another 24 months to drop the remaining 40.

I guess I didn't bond like most Moms. He was this strange little alien, and I had no idea what to do with him. He was, to paraphrase Ray Romano, like a tiny terrorist trying to break me with sleep-deprivation techniques. I could finally give myself a pedicure and roll over, but there was so much more restriction to my life then. Yes, I loved him, but it was some serious work to adapt to this new life- both his and mine. I felt like my life had no purpose anymore because I couldn't DO any of the things I did before I became a mother. I just wandered around, lost in my own home, trying to find myself. So often, I just wanted ME back.

Just like when I was pregnant, part of me started growing. After four plus years, now in my 20th trimester, I'm right back to where I was before when I couldn't roll over or paint my toenails. Thank God it's not my belly anymore- it's my heart.

My son has been out of town with his great-grandparents for the past five days. I'm a single mom, so I welcomed the break, the peace, and most of all- the quiet. I couldn't remember what I did before I became a mother. I just wandered around, lost in my own home, trying to find myself. So often, I just wanted HIM back. Without him, I felt like my life had no purpose.

I gave myself a pedicure while he was gone, but only because I had to do SOMETHING. I also worked for the church, in the yard, on the computer, and I watched a thousand movies. I just had to do SOMETHING. I rolled over in bed a million times, my heart so huge from missing his tiny voice that NEVER turns off. My mornings were so lackluster without the ritual 16 hour debate over which thing he wants for breakfast. My heart is so huge, I cant even function.