I Want to Quit Being the Man
(originally ranted in 2000, and every word is still just as true today)

I am single. So very, very single. And I'm quite tired of being single, but not tired enough. Why? Because I'm always the man.

Feminists have beaten into society this notion that men need to express their feminine side. They need to be "Mr. Sensitive Pony-Tail Man." That isn't so. That's NOT what we want. Yes, we want to be treated politely and respectfully, and yes, like women. But we don't want to be pandered to. The surest way to make me unhappy is to try to make me happy all the time.

I will have found my husband when this conversation takes place:

    HIM: "Would you like to go to dinner tonight?"
    ME: "Love to. How about Chinese?"
    HIM: "Let's go have Chinese next time. How about Mexican food tonight."
    ME: "Yes, I will marry you."

Done. Simple. Don't always let me get what I want. Have an opinion and stick to it. Don't be a jerk and never let me get my way, but you guys have to lead. It's your job. It's in the rule book, better known as The Bible.

I will also have found my life mate when I'm not the one who has to drag him to church, explain 40 times why we shouldn't have sex 'til we're married, refuse to watch porn, deny there's "a little lesbian in all women," or convince him that having a job really IS a good idea.

Here's some tips for you guys that will make the dating game much easier on all of us.

1. Open the door for us on all occasions. This isn't a special event thing.
   
   
2. Offer to pay for an evening out on some occasions. Any decent woman will return the favor.
   
   
3. Don't dote on me. I'm with you by choice. I don't NEED you.
   
   
4. Keep your genitalia in your pants.
   
   
5. Pray before meals and in trying times. You're supposed to be the spiritual leader.
   
   
6. Yes, I love a compliment, but don't tell me every five seconds that I'm the greatest thing since shoelaces. I'm not, and you know that. You're just trying to get something, or that's what I think when you do that.
   
   
7. Don't be a need-machine. I've already got a child.
   
   
8. Listen as much as you talk, and don't EVER, EVER interrupt me intentionally.
   
   
9. Don't ask me "how many?" or "were they good?" It's rude and insulting and none of your business.
   
   
10. Be my friend above all.
    
    
11. Help me move. (The true test of ANY relationship)
    
    
12. I don't care if you comment on other women, but don't get mad when I comment on other men.
    
    
13. Know who Jeunet and Caro are, and who killed Laura Palmer.
    
    
14. Leave me alone when I'm on the computer.
    
    
15. Don't love me unconditionally. Just love me enough.

Now you know why I'm still single.