Are You Still Here?
(originally ranted in 2000)

Okay, so I was pregnant. For ten months. And they were long. And why were they long? Morning sickness? No. Being fat? No. Swollen feet and hands? Nope. Huge boobs? No again. Sure, I had all of those things and hated them equally, but that was not nearly the thing that drove me to the brink of insanity. What was it? OTHER PEOPLE.

Let me point out a few things to you fledglings who are not familiar with pregnant chicks in general. If you pay attention, you will gain some integral information that WILL one day help you.

1. If you don't know if someone is pregnant, don't ask them if they are. This is imperative. And use no subtle clues as a hint. Unless you're her gynecologist or have heard it straight from her mouth, assume she's a bit bloated and shut your mouth.
   
   
2. Once you know she's pregnant, don't exclaim, "You're just huge!" "Are you going to eat all that?" "Do you need to eat again?" or "Are you carrying two in there?" Shut your skinny ass up. When you're seven months pregnant, there's no point in keeping up with the Joneses. Many women take this opportunity to completely let themselves go for the first time in their life. We deserve it.
   
   
3. When the pregnant chick comes to work every last day of her pregnancy, don't exclaim each morning, "Are you still here?!" Look, no one wants us to NOT be there more than ourselves. And we are incredible people to be able to carry and sustain a new life, work a normal day and put up with you, all at the same time.
   
   
4. We're not suddenly mentally deficient and incapable of functioning. We're just pregnant. That's all. Don't run over to the pregnant woman every time she picks up a stapler and shout, "Let me help you with that!"
   
   
5. When we take a deep breath, which is probably the most challenging feat while pregnant, don't ask if we're okay and if we're going into labor. It's called breathing. We've been doing it for years.
   
   
6. Don't ever touch a pregnant tummy unless it's yours or your wife's. More than that, don't talk to her stomach. We didn't like it when you used to talk to our breasts, and we don't like this any more.
   
   
7. She's already pregnant, so it's too late to change her mind. Therefore, there's no point in reminding her every ten seconds how hard it is to be a parent and how hard children and labor are, or tell her how much her life is going to change, or how she will never go to sleep again in her life. She knows her life if going to change. It already has. And she is already used to not sleeping. She hasn't in a few months. And if she can put up with your silly self, she can handle a two year old with glee.

Now, that's not much to ask. It's not even ten things.

To be serious, I cannot tell you how wonderful this experience is. The only thing more magical and perfect than being pregnancy is being a parent. Of course, I was blessed with a picture-perfect pregnancy, and a child straight from God. I know not all women can tell the same story. But every day, I had to fight people's stupidity and mind-bending negativity. Don't believe the hype. Pregnancy is wonderful. Motherhood is more than I can ever express. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you'll be tired. But you will never be happier. This is truly what you were made for.