One is the Stupidest Number
(originally ranted in 2000)

In the last 18 months, I have developed my own little mantra that I repeat about 750,000 times a day. "It's amazing what you CAN do when you HAVE to."

I am a single Mom. I work a full-time job. I freelance on the side. I do all the advertising and the web site for our church. I attend school. I am remodeling a fabulous house that was built in 1956. I am a pretty darn tidy person. I do A LOT. There is scarcely a moment all week that I just sit down. I'm not a Super-Woman. In fact, I'm just your average girl. I don't necessarily do all this because I enjoy it. I do it because it has to get done.

When my toilet breaks, I fix it. I can't afford to have someone else fix it, and there's no on else here to do it. So I do it. I have to.

But let me tell you something: This is not how it is supposed to be. This is not what God intended. The phrase "Single Parent" should not even exist in our lexicon.

Let me tell you a few things about being a single parent:

1. There is no such thing as sleeping in. Those days are over.
   
   
2. There is no such thing as 8 hours of sleep. When your tot goes to bed, you're too busy cleaning the house and trying to get the other 5,000 things done that you couldn't even think about while your kiddo was awake. Five hours of sleep is considered a gift from God.
   
   
3. There is no such thing as private time. If you get to pee by yourself, THAT is your private time for the day.
   
   
4. You want to go to the movies? Huh-uh. If you do manage to get a night off, you'll be wise to spend it cleaning the house, doing laundry, and checking things off your to-do list.
   
   
5. You want to rent a movie. Well, go ahead, but you're not going to sit down and watch it. You'll get ten minutes here, and twenty minutes there. Maybe if you start the movie after your little angel goes to sleep, you can catch most of it. But right before they tell you who the killer is, your child will wake up with a runny nose and something in his eye.
   
   
6. You will never be on time again. You not only have to get yourself ready, but you've got to get your little one ready, and pack a diaper bag with so much crap that it actually resembles a steamer trunk on the Titanic. And once you manage that, then you have the hour long game of "Let's put on our coat and shoes and walk to the front door." Sounds simple, but OH NO.
   
   
7. Listen to peppy music on the way to work? You better trade it in for Black Aria, because you will be so riddled with guilt over dropping your child off at day care that you won't be able to bear any happiness. It doesn't matter anyway. All you'll hear are the echoes of him crying and saying "MAMA!" while you were trying to explain to him that you had to go to work.
   
   
8. You have errands to run on the way back home? No, no. You have to pick up your bundle of joy at day care first. And people have told you for years that mass murderers are primarily schizophrenic. Not true. They were all people who tried to go to the mall to "pick up one thing" with their child. One quick errand can send you racing to a bell-tower with a sawed-off shotgun.
   
   
9. You used to dress cute, huh? Accessorize to the hilt. I know. I used to as well. But considering that ten pounds you still will have hanging around after the pregnancy, plus the fact that you're got 42 seconds to dress yourself before having to clean up some obscure substance on the floor, you'll be doing well if your socks match.
   
   
10. You can still go to restaurants with your new child. Of course, the other patrons will stab you in the eye with their fork after listening to your child scream because you gave him three Goldfish instead of four. But don't let that stop you. Dine away.
    
    
11. Waiting for that cute guy to call you for a date? I hope he thinks about it early, because you have to shut off your phone (and anything else that operates with a hum louder than a ceiling fan) at 8:30 when your child goes to sleep. Even the slightest noise will wake your child in the evening. On the other hand, maybe you should have him call in the morning, because a freight train could roll through your child's room when you're TRYING to wake them up, and he would never even hear it.
    
    
12. Need some new software for your computer? Then you better be a pirate, because every penny you've got now belongs to someone who is as tall as your kneecap.
    
    
13. Need to get some yard work done? Thank the Lord you installed that 10 foot fence in the perimeter of your front yard so that your tike wouldn't run into the street whenever you turn your back for one second.
    
    
14. Remember when you used to know the names of all the latest bands? Now you know all the words to "The Wheels on the Bus" instead. And remember when you knew all the hot clubs to go to? Now you know the names and times of all of Gymboree's play classes.
    
    
15. That subscription to Vogue you had... it mysteriously morphed itself into a subscription to Parents, Parenting, Christian Parenting, Child, and Baby Talk. No one knows how this happens, but it happens to us all.
    
    
16. I know how much you enjoy lounging in a hot bath, full of Plumeria bubble bath, and Lothantique Lavender bath crystals. Forget it. If it doesn't say Johnson's, you don't own it. And even if you did, you don't have time for a bath.
    
    
17. For the first time in your life, you'll use the phrase, "sensible shoes" and not be making fun of anyone.
    
    
18. Eating a sandwich becomes a tactical exercise.
    
    
19. You will learn that even a particle of dust has the overwhelming power to trip small children. Sure you can childproof your house, but unless it's the clean room in Outbreak, you're spinning your wheels.
    
    
20. Even if you've never prayed one time in your life, you're about to.
    

Upon further reflection, those things have nothing to do with being a single parent. That's just being a PARENT. I guess the best part of being a couple is that you at least have someone to look to for sympathy as you're cleaning blue yogurt out of your shirt.

I make it sound so bad. It is every single bit of the things I listed above, no exaggeration. But their smile makes it all better. Their laugh can turn a whole bad day around. Their hug can melt any heart in any stage of breakdown. The first time they call you "Mama" or "Dada" will change your life.